Another day, another festival announces its lineup. Or at least the first phase of the lineup – telling people everything they’re actually paying for in a ticket expensive enough to buy a small country with is out of fashion these days. This week, the Ultra Music Festival announced their biggest names for their 2022 festival, due to take place from March 25-27th.

As ever, the list contains the same old names. Carl Cox, CamelPhat, inventor of house music (according to ABC News, anyway) David Guetta, Martin Garrix, Nina Kraviz and some trumpet calling himself Timmy Trumpet all appear. It’s basically a business techno list with a few names like Carl Cox thrown in to add a little credibility.

Indeed, the more I think about it, the more I think that these festivals are a lot like the fast food chain McDonald’s. Most of the big festivals now have almost the same lineups. If you break through into the higher echelons of this world, you could make a living doing nothing but sets at festivals – you’re pretty much guaranteed work year after year.

The lineups hardly ever change, much like the menus of McDonald’s. Which begs the question – if DJs were items on a McDonald’s menu, what would they be and why? Well, Carl Cox is clearly the Big Mac. He’s been around for far longer than any of the others and generally speaking, he still delivers.

David Guetta has to be the Double Cheeseburger, if only for the amount of Camembert he manages to squeeze into every set. Gareth Emery is like a McFlurry, in the sense you wonder whether he used to be bigger in the past. And the aforementioned Timmy Trumpet must surely be the equivalent of the Chicken McNuggets Happy Meal.

As for the token fish item on the menu, the Filet-o-Fish which sits on menus feeling all full of itself with a gargantuan sense of entitlement? Well, there’s a joke to crack here about CamelPhat – but this blog is happy enough for you to make it…