This blog exists partly as a public service and also partly for my own personal enjoyment. Hence why I like to help people out, just not in the way they’d always like. Yesterday, I posted a useful guide for the brigade of fruitcakes who attended the London protest.

Today, Save Our Scene UK have a protest, or temper tantrum as I’ve been calling it. They’re starting off at noon from the BBC, presumably in the vague hope someone at the Beeb cares. But what’s going to happen today? Here’s what might (but probably won’t) go down…

It all kicks off at midday. Whilst standing outside the BBC, the Funk Butcher will try to convince everyone that he’s fully on board with the event. He’ll probably fail, but it won’t matter. Charlie Tee will then likely give a self-congratulatory speech talking about her diplomatic efforts to sway the world through her use of the phrase “let’s take this to DMs”.

At around 12.15pm, Hannah Wants will begin her set. She’ll have a number of special edits prepared – or ones prepared by her ghost producer, if scurrilous rumours are to be believed – which will include her reading out tweets about how she’d never take a Covid vaccine to a monotonous tech-house beat.

Around 1pm, the crowd will get hungry, and congregate around Eats Everything’s glorified burger van – with lots of vegan friendly options, naturally. During this time, Alan Fitzpatrick will play a stream of tech-house tunes so boring the audience will still think Hannah Wants is playing.

At 1.30pm, it’ll be time for Save Our Scene’s prepared film to play. It’ll mostly consist of Sacha Lord telling everyone he wants restrictions removed so he can make lots of money. Someone from the festival will then appear trying to persuade everyone to donate their money – a hat will mysteriously appear and everyone will throw their cash in it.

Later in the film, a montage will appear of Covid patients on ventilators whilst slapheads Right Said Fred tell the audience the virus doesn’t exist and, remembering what the video is meant to be about, they’ll end it with “open the clubs” despite never having stepped in once since about 1993.

Come 3pm, there will be a surprise appearance. It’ll be billed as someone with an exciting perspective, but will inevitably be Piers Corbyn or Danny Rampling. Whilst acid house plays in the background, Hannah Wants will repeat the interpretative dance of freedom that she did yesterday, to the same mostly indifferent response.

Low Steppa will be seen being shouted at by one of the event organisers to do some tidying up at 4pm, and Eats Everything will be directed to clean up the mess around his glorified burger van too – the organisers are on a promise not to leave London looking like the Blitz has just happened again.

One of the lesser known names will complain at every opportunity it’s “so unfair” they have to clean up rubbish. Elsewhere, there will be a set from Artful Dodger, who’ll be playing UK garage “bangers” amidst a backdrop of Matt Hancock snogging his university friend – like when Ray and Sheila’s sex tape is broadcast in a club in Kevin and Perry Go Wild, but even more rubbish.

The day will conclude around 8pm, or whenever everyone gets bored. Hannah Wants will have expressed a view on the coronavirus vaccine some 47,000 times since the day started, Funk Butcher will go on Twitter to tell us how productive the day was – and absolutely nothing whatsoever will have been achieved.

Then they’ll spend their Mondays telling you that this event was historic and will be remembered forever by everyone present. In reality, most will have forgotten almost everything by Wednesday…