Which male DJ and producer recently had friends concerned for his sanity over an unusually long rant, even by his standards? The DJ – known to love a good conspiracy theory in private, even if he almost never voices those on public – met up with some of his cronies and colleagues on a recent trip to America’s east coast.

Good times were had by many – until the topic of the underwhelming new Apple iPhone 15 became the topic of discussion. A few of the DJ’s friends pointed out they were thinking of getting one – with one even pompously declaring “I always get the latest phone because it looks good on the socials”.

Others were more sceptical, pointing out the phone’s main new feature appeared to be a USB-C charging port – a standard feature on Android phones for many years already, but now coming to Apple following legal wrangling with the European Union. Apple is understood to have decided to start using USB-C ports worldwide, not simply within the EU and the UK.

When the DJ was asked for his opinion, he went into – as our witness amusingly called it – “full bats*** mode”. He theorised that USB-C was “one of the greatest threats to civilisation right now” and part of a “plot” to create “a worldwide government”. The DJ then spent around ten minutes explaining his ridiculous views, getting more and more animated with each passing minute.

Our witness claims “it’s safe to say he probably won’t be invited to the next get-together”…