Times are tough for many right now. Our Editor, for example, is leading by example by having one less coffee per day. Yes, his lower caffeine intake has resulted in him being even more grumpy and curmudgeonly than normal, but it could be worse – he could be Kevin Saunderson and a distinctly dodgy Detroit cabal of charlatans and opportunists.

A few weeks ago, the new spokesperson for the so-called Belleville Three – after Derrick May went quiet in 2020 following multiple allegations of sexual abuse from multiple sources – posted a photograph which made our aforementioned editor howl with laughter. As he himself put it, “this is the most ridiculous f***ing thing Saunderson’s posted yet”.

Honestly, we don’t even know where to begin here – the possibilities for poking fun at this lot, who take themselves oh-so-seriously – are truly endless. But let’s firstly remind ourselves of our revelation from April 6th, when one of our sources cuttingly said “the only reason Carl Craig was invited was because they needed someone to pay for the meal”.

We can only guess that Jeff Mills – now fully embracing business techno after his plush $100k gig for MDL Beast in 2021 – was unavailable. More pressing, however, is the question of why absolutely nobody in the photo appears to be enjoying themselves. Ears To The House occasionally gets sent rumours that several of these men reportedly hate each other – photos such as this do little to disspell such claims…

Perhaps the reason for the lack of cheer was, well, the lack of any food on the table. We took a look at the menu for Fleming’s Prime Steakhouse and Wine Bar – apparently now Detroit techno’s favoured photo opportunity – and saw it included things such as a 16oz Prime Dry-Aged Ribeye for $68, or even a 35oz Tomahawk at $98 per person.

Quite what Juan Atkins – who mysteriously looks like he’s around three feet tall – had to eat is anyone’s guess, although it doesn’t look like a steak to our untrained eyes. Indeed, it doesn’t look like anyone else treated themselves to any food – Derrick May’s cutlery, we notice, is suspiciously clean. And the fact Kevin Saunderson and Carl Craig both have their phones on the table hardly instills confidence in the quality of any conversations that might have taken place.

They might consider themselves “the distinguished men of techno” – well, they originally considered themselves “the distinguishment men of techno” until Saunderson corrected himself – but there’s nothing remotely distinguished about this ludicrous photograph..